After last week's post, one reader sent me a note about the “Startling experience of reading how you really feel about your life experiences. Most people tuck those feelings carefully away, seldom revealing them to themselves, much less to others.” I am glad to use her words. Today, she is this blog's expert.
What she does not see are all the feelings that I really have tucked away, hidden behind some of the words I write and, more starkly, the words I choose to keep to, and away from, myself.
This week is a test. It is one that I think I have failed. Maybe I am being hard on myself, because this week is one where I have tucked away a lot of feelings. Maybe I am being hard on myself because this week was hard.
The week left me with so little energy or time to create something wonderful for you—and a lot of other people who may never read this. This is not an excuse. A blogger has an obligation to tell the story of the day. Current. Topical. From the heart.
But the events that have put my heart in this place are a bit too hard to relive on the page, right now. I am tired. I am hungry. I can't sleep. I can't eat.
To paraphrase one of our prototypical Minnesotans, guitarist Leo Kottke, I just may have told the world a whole lot more about myself than I ever intended. At the same time, I am tucking away my feelings and the events that surround them.
One of the aims of this blog is to show others for the experts they are. (This means I need you to leave comments—or send comments via e-mail, clarewhite20@yahoo.com, even if they are not compliments.) Another feature is one that I should, as a blogger, try to avoid: writing to protect the guilty. So, I am tucking away my feelings, to protect the guilty, especially if “the guilty” is me.
Maybe you have read between the lines of this post and have pieced together and untucked the events and feelings for yourself. Maybe you already know the “more than I ever intended.” Whether you know or not, I'm not ready to tell.
P.S. I have been told that many have had difficulty posting comments on blogs. If you are having problems, try posting as anonymous or just write/e-mail me if you want me to post it for you.
4 comments:
I have heard that the one thing that we can count on in life is change.
I think that another thing in life that we can count on is that a certain amount of things will not go the way that we want them to and we will have to deal with the frustration. Whether it is frustration or outrage depends in part on us and in part on what actually happened. It helps if the person frustrating us has enough endearing qualities that we are willing to engage mind before engaging mouth. On the other hand, I (being my father's child) can get really outraged and out of hand when objects don't behave the way I want them to. Case in point--when the family computer doesn't do what I want it to do (or even what I could get it to do yesterday). Luckily I have a husband who rescues me from my ignorance and overlooks my tantrums. What this really teaches me is 1. it is possible for a person to overlook another's faults--I am observing him forgiving me and 2. I jolly well better work at living up to his example.
I suppose that one could say that the appropriate response to frustration is love. I do believe that love is not a nice warm feeling (although that may come along as a bonus) but rather a decision. One must decide constantly how to respond to the fallibility of others, expecially those whom we are closest to. Even if somehow our closest ones acted perfectly (in our view) that behavior might seem very unperfect to someone else. It really is true that none of us can be all things to all people. The hard part comes in accepting this. The next hard part is putting that acceptance into action. The third hard part is crafting our response to needs of the other person and to the situation. We may decide to not get outraged when another person is being mean, but we can still point out the meanness to that person.
Doing all this takes a lot of practice and mindfulness. As I said in the beginning, we can count on plenty of opportunities.
Jennifer
Thanks for the wisdom, Jennifer. You are one of today's experts. I'll read this again, and maybe I will learn something.
ˆenjoyed reading about the shy boy and Kirby Puckett. I love Pat Donohue's songs including the Kirby Puckett.
We have our limits. I don't shop at Sams' or Walmart. And I don't buy ALL my groceries at our wonderful Good Earth Coop. I try not to act uppity about those who shop at Sam's.
Marly
you have been not eating and not sleeping for too long -- what does your mama have to say about this??? :-(
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